Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
