I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Bring me that man meat
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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