He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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