my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
