I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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