why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
