Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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