I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
