So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
