Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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