Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
