we have officially mastered the walk of shame
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
