So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
