I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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