Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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