Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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