Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
