So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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