Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
