dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
