Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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