There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
