Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
