My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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