A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
