My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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