Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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