Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
