Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Those nachos came to me in a dream
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
