I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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