I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
