You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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