I like my sex mixed with concussions.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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