Three words: puerto rican gang bang
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
