just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
