woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
