about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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