i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
When did we convert life to cartoon?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
