I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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