My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
