Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
