I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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