don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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