Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
