the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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