before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
