When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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