My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
