i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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