my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
