I can feel you judging me through the phone.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
